When legal nerdery meets obsessive fandom

At the risk of being redundant to all four of our readers, I am an attorney.

A case I am working on right now has me thinking- if a criminal defendant has a constitutional right to subpoena witnesses on his behalf, and if the Defendant himself is the judge of which witnesses are relevant to his case...

Why hasn't anyone in New England subpoenaed Derek Jeter or A-Rod to testify on their behalf at a trial in October?

I am indeed ready for some football

1. I am going to the UGA-Ole Miss game this weekend. I am very excited. However, I feel like I need to note that I do fear this is a classic trap game. I worry that the Dawgs probably spent the first part of the week patting themselves on the back for a job well done in Tuscaloosa, and the second part of the week gearing up for the Volunteers on October 5. Let's hope they prove me wrong. Or, alternatively, that Ole Miss proves so inept that it does not matter.

2. I have been reading The Blind Side by Moneyball author Michael Lewis. Great read. The book analyzes the evolution of the left tackle position- how it went from just another faceless position to an indispensable component of a successful football team. I recommend the book highly.

In The Blind Side, Lewis illustrates his analysis with the tale of Ole Miss left tackle Michael Oher. Consequently, this weekend in Sanford, I will be eager to watch this building of a young man in action.

3. I saw extensive coverage of a high school football game on Sportscenter today. Not just a score, or a "Plays of the Day" replay of a remarkable play. But a full game breakdown, with highlights and stats. That seems messed pretty messed up to me. Ever since LeBron James made it profitable, ESPN has been showcasing younger and younger athletes, and featuring games involving younger and younger teams. Which sometimes can be interesting, but more often is completely obnoxious.

Next thing you know, they'll be showing Little Leaguers.

4. Two weeks later, I would like to officially welcome Georgia back to the SEC East race. I was writing them off (loudly and angrily) after the South Carolina game, but the Dawgs are now one Gamecocks loss away from controlling their own destiny again. Which, in a way, is all you can ask for. Until the week after the Florida game, anyway.

5. Penn State lost to Michigan. What a showcase of suckitude for the Big Ten.

6. App. State lost to Wofford. Which presumably means that Wofford can beat Penn State. Once this season is over, I am sure there is going to be an awesome Slippery Rock story, wherein some school like North Suburban gets a top-25 vote for being the team that beat the team... that beat the team... that beat the Big 10 champion.

7. In hindsight, it sure was stupid to believe the Falcons had a shot this year, and not because they lost Michael Vick. Rather, the Falcons switched this year from a zone blocking scheme (using smaller more mobile linemen), to a more traditional alignment. Of course that is going to result in some situations where their undersized OL is overmatched. No wonder Joey Jo Jo is doing his best David Carr impersonation this year.

8. Brett Fav-ruh and the Green Bay Packers are a feel-good story. It is nice to see Favre back on top. But we should have seen it coming to a certain extent. Even if I did not think they were going to go 3-0, we should have expected to see them in the playoffs. Just look at the other teams in the division. One is QBed by Tavaris Jackson, and another is QBed by their coaches' choice of whoever sucks less between Rex Grossman and Brian Griese. The other team is (still) the Detroit Lions.

9. After this past weekend, I am more convinced than ever that every football announcer on TV sucks. There are exceptions, but as a group they bring nothing to the table.

10. I am even more stoked for football now that the Braves have finally been eliminated. Their little run at the end made it interesting, but they were mediocre for too long to have come as close as they did. At least the Mets are looking like they might wind up watching the playoffs on TV. And unlike Braves fans, Mets fans (John Knight aside) don't have college football to occupy their time after their baseball team is eliminated.

11. This is only tangentially related to college football, but I love that the "Don't tase me, bro" guy is from U of F. Incidentally, if my colleague and I had started this exercise in narcissism that is a blog today, I would have pushed strongly for "Don't tase me, bro" as the blog title.

Book Review: The Ladies of Grace Adieu

This is a collection of short stories by Susanne Clarke set in the same world she created her debut novel Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell. I loved that booked so I picked up this one. While not as good as the novel (most of the stories were written before the novel), there are several stories in here that I greatly enjoyed. The best three stories of the collection were "On Likerish Hill" (a nice twist on the Rumpelstiltskin)
"The Duke of Wellington Misplaces His Horse" (deals with the post-military career of the Duke) and "Mr. Simonelli or the Fairy Widower" (the diary of a rector and his proposal to five women).

This is also a good primer for Jonathan Strange also. At just over 200 pages, it's a little easier to take on than the 800 page novel. So if you like this collection I would highly recommend picking up Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell next.

On fandom

The Neil Peart article has seemed to draw a fair amount of response. And many folks seemed eager to weigh in on which artists' fans annoy them. Reading Neil Peart's comment section has made me ponder the nature of fandom and why certain artists' fans might seem annoying. And one of the best reasons I have come up with is that all fans, on a certain level, are annoying.

I realize that this is an extremely broad statement. And potentially off-putting, as everyone is a fan of something. I am a fan of the Atlanta Braves, the Georgia Bulldogs, Neil Young and Crazy Horse, and milkshakes, just to name a few. Every person reading this is a fan of some sports team, some recording artist, some television program, some thing.

But, having copped to fandom myself and acknowledged that it is universal, I think that there are enough annoying fans of all stripes out there that we should consider the nature of fandom- and why I believe that the entire concept of fandom breeds annoying people.

For starters, consider the origins of the word. The word "fan" is derived from "fanatic." And in common usage, the word fanatic is rarely ever used as a compliment. Its synonyms, as listed on dictionary.com, include zealot, bigot, hothead, and militant. Not terms one would want to self-apply.

We must also consider the traits encompassed by fanaticism. Fanaticism is a completely irrational state. A fanatic is completely unreceptive to criticism or counterarguments. As Winston Churchill put it, "A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."

These "fanatic" traits are present among fans of sports teams. A football team's roster can be (and often is) comprised entirely of deplorable human beings, but its fans will still cheer for them on Saturdays. Consider the Georgia fans who spent this off-season cracking jokes on talk radio about Florida's team discipline problems; these yahoos seemed to have conveniently forgotten about all of the guys in red and black who themselves were recently given the opportunity to check out the back of a police car. Similarly, it doesn't matter to Patriots' fans that their team was recently caught in a cheating scandal; they still root for victories and angrily dismiss those who dwell on the whole imbroglio. And remember, there are people who still cheer for Barry Bonds.

Sadly, these "fanatic" traits are definitely present among supporters of political parties. In this country, we seem to have reached a point where people "cheer" for their political party, regardless of whether or not the party has earned their cheers. I know plenty of people who seem to root for certain outcomes in political races with no regard for the issues, in the exact same way they would hope that the Cowboys will beat the Redskins on Monday night. It doesn't matter to these people whether their political party "deserves" to win, or whether their political party has talent or a good game plan. The political party is their team. And you always hope your team beats the snot out of the other guy.

And finally, these "fanatic" traits are also present among people who are fans of particular recording artists or musical genres. Whenever you reach a state of extreme and irrational support for a musician, you lose the ability to differentiate between the good from the bad, the worthwhile from the insignificant, the real from the fake. And what's more, you become "annoying."

In other words, to analyze an example from my colleague's recent post, Doors fans may be annoying. But not because there is something inherently wrong with them or the music they are fans of. Rather, I believe Doors fans seem annoying because they irrationally support Jim Morrison, even though I believe that his artistic output does not warrant the level of hero-worship he is given. (This seemed to be a common thread of the comments section- the fans generally identified as the most annoying were fans of artists who received more support or acclaim than they "deserve.")

In the same way, fans of anything can be annoying, when their support becomes irrational, exclusionary, and obsessively zealous.

Especially when the fans in question root for the Yankees.

You know the singer has a drug problem when...

Driving home tonight, I flipped the radio to XM channel 12, Cross Country. Flipped there just in time for the beginning of Todd Snider's "Doublewide Blues." Good tune. I was pleased that the radio gods smiled on me.

Immediately after the song wrapped up, they played another Todd song- "Keep off the Grass." Even better song.

But instead of being excited that I got to hear two great Todd Snider tunes back-to-back on the radio, I became concerned. I thought, "Is this part of a tribute because he turned up dead on the bathroom floor of some dive bar in Nashville?"

With most artists, you assume it is because the station is doing a "Two-for-Tuesday" or "Back-to-Back Weekend" promotion. With Todd, you assume the worst.

A pre-teen's perspective on a scandal

Yesterday, I was talking to someone who has a twelve year old son. We were discussing his youngster's perspective on the news, and somehow the Larry Craig bathroom solicitation scandal came up.

It dawned on me that if I had heard, as a twelve year old, that you could be arrested (or, alternatively, picked up for gay sex) for tapping your feet on the floor of a bathroom stall... I guarantee that my feet would have been freaking glued to the tile whenever I had to drop a deuce in public.

In fact, even as a 27 year old, my feet will probably be completely stationary when I sit on the throne, in the wake of this scandal. Sometimes you can't be too careful.

But Neil Peart is Such a Good Drummer

Dave FM today played a Dave Matthews Band song the other day while I was driving to Publix for some lunch. Now this is not an unusual thing but it got me thinking about bands that I like less because of their fan base.

Bands I hate more because of their fans:

The Doors - Please stop calling Jim Morrison a poet. He wasn't. And if you don't hate Morrison more after watching The Doors (and consequently like the rest of the band more) than there is something wrong with you.

Dave Matthews Band - I'm only going to mention them out of the hundreds of jam bands out there because of their commercial success but know that I hate ALL jam bands more because of there fans. The thing that most annoys me about their biggest fans is that they generally only listen to Dave Matthews. I know a guy who's CD collection consists of about 50 CD's; 40 of them are DMB albums.

Rush - Their fans are funny. They know Rush sucks but they still listen. They sound embarrassed when they have to defend them. I hate to say it (actually not really) but when the only good thing about your band is the drumming you better be Basement Jaxx. I will say that their song YYZ on Guitar Hero 2 is really hard to play.

Nirvana - This will be short and sweet. Kurt Cobain ain't Jesus. Get over it. He wasn't even the best musician in his own band.

John Lennon - I really hate these fans. He wasn't some revolutionary. He was a selfish, heroin addict who walked out on his first son. Imagine growing up without your dad. Thank God for Paul McCartney.

Which fans make you like a band less?

And to think, my good eyepatch is at the cleaners...

Today is Talk Like a Pirate Day.

I hope everyone takes advantage of Talk Like a Pirate Day. Use this as an excuse to annoy bosses, co-workers, significant others, sympathetic bartenders, concerned emergency room attendants, and anyone else you may come across today.

Personally, I don't enjoy forming full sentences or paragraphs in pirate-speak, as the founders of this holiday seem to advocate. However, I do enjoy groan-inducing pirate-speak one-liners.* For example:

What is a pirate's favorite means of alternative dispute resolution? ARRRGH-bitration.

What is a pirate's favorite Canadian Football League franchise? The Toronto ARRRGH-gonauts.

Who is a pirate's favorite southern rock drummer? ARRRGH-timus Pyle.

And so on.

However you choose to mark the occasion, enjoy.




*I can't help but feel that three consecutive hyphenated words has to be some kind of record, by the way.

Welcome Back, Great Dane

The Atlanta Falcons have brought back Morten Andersen. Again.

The 47-year old kicker will begin his 25th season competing in the NFL.

To put his age into perspective, he was lining up extra points for the Saints when Archie Manning was still their quarterback. He made his NFL debut before 21 of the Falcons' current players were born.

Meanwhile, tonight, I attended the Braves' game and cheered loudly for Julio Franco (as I always do, and to the tune of "Sussudio," at that). The 49 year old marvel, with the help of the strongest steroid of all (Jesus of Nazareth, and presumably nothing else), came through with an RBI single for the Braves.

Now, if only we can convince the Hawks to sign Kevin Willis, we will have a full complement of old guys to root for in the ATL.

Book Review - The Big Over Easy

I finished this book a couple of weeks ago but I haven't had the time to write a review. It's the first book in Jasper Fforde's Nursery Crime books and it gets the series off to a great start. As you can probably assume from the title, the book concerns the murder of Humpty Dumpty and introduces us to the lead detective of the Nursery Crime division, Jack Spratt, and his assistant Mary Mary.

The book is full of literary in-jokes from nursery rhymes, Greek mythology to classic literature. On top of that it's a good mystery novel without all of that. My only complaint is that the story gets a bit ridiculous by the end. There's also too many false endings. Other than that it's a great read.

Separated at Birth - I Wish I Were Dead Edition

Charles Bronson




The New Charles Bronson

Maybe Landon Donovan was unavailable.

I have something of a bone to pick with the new Gilette ad campaign. I think they picked a bizarre troika of star athletes to pitch their product.

Tiger Woods, I get. The man is unquestionably the greatest golfer of his generation. Quite probably the best of all time.

Ditto Roger Federer. He is unquestionably the best tennis player of his generation. Well on his way to being called the best of all time.

Batting third, however, we have... Thierry Henry?

There is a slight problem here. The first two guys did not need any introduction. In fact, if Gilette had not bothered to put their names on the screen at all, I would not have needed any captions to identify Tiger or Federer. I think that is true for most men of my demographic (by which I mean wordy males who pay an inordinate amount of attention to sports).

The third guy not only had to be introduced, the credentials they listed read, "2003 Footballer of the Year." Seems to dim the star power put off by the other two, no?

I think that if Gillete were trying to make the point that their product is the best, and is used by the best, they should have stuck with the individual sports when selecting the third guy. Tiger, Federer, and the undisputed heavyweight champ of the world, for instance. Or Tiger, Federer, and Jeff Gordon, maybe. Even Tiger, Federer and Tony Hawk might work. His status as pro skater #1 is more or less undisputed.

But since boxing sucks, Jeff Gordon gets pelted with beer when he wins, and nobody normal cares about skateboarding, I can understand Gillete choosing to go another route. But if they were willing to turn to team sports, there would seem to be plenty of stars more prolific, more recognizable, and more recent than Henry. Peyton Manning, for one, was named the best player in his sport more recently than 2003. And you know he would have been willing to mug for the camera for a bit.

Or maybe they should have stuck with just two pitchmen. When you have two unquestioned superstars, the ad is diminished by adding someone who doesn't quite rise to that same level of badassery.

And look, I know Henry is a badass. He has to be- he is a pro soccer player and I have heard of him. But I think that Gilette made a very curious choice in going with an anonymous-in-the-states Frenchman whose most noteworthy personal achievement came almost 5 years ago, whose defining team achievement came almost 6 years ago, who plays a sport that Americans only care about every four years.

I think it is one of the worst casting decisions in a shaving ad since Edge shaving gel had David Robinson and Tim Duncan, WHO BOTH HAVE FACIAL HAIR, pitching their wares.

But at least they only lost by 4.

I have been absent from my computer (and indeed, much of the rest of the world) with an unpleasant illness the past couple of days. I like to blame the Georgia Bulldogs.

Some thoughts:

1. Some piss-poor playcalling. 3rd and 2 late... 2 talented feature backs, a horse of a QB... I know, let's run to the outside with the slowest guy on the team. Sounds retarded, no? But Bobo called it in, Sutherland on a sweep. And what is even more amazing than the fact that he made such a moronic call was that it would have worked if not for...

2. Piss-poor execution. Someone needs to explain to Mo-Mass that a block requires physical contact with the man in front of him. I saw more physical blocks in intramural flag football. And of course, when talking about poor execution in Georgia games, one always comes back to...

3. Dropped pass after dropped pass after dropped pass. I will be the first to admit that my boy Stafford did not play well. But his skill players (defined loosely, to include Tripp Chandler) need to help the big guy out from time to time. And by "from time to time" I mean most specifically when you are holding the game-tying touchdown in your hands, there, Tony Wilson.

4. But most perplexing, perhaps, was Richt's decision to kick the field goal when Georgia had it 4th and 15 from the 20.

This is not second guessing. Anyone watching the game with me knows that I was loudly and crudely calling for the offense to go back out there on 4th down.

The reasons are simple. There were 4 minutes left in the game. Georgia had not consistently stopped the run all night. To give the ball back to South Carolina to let them eat up the clock did not seem like a good idea to me.

But what's more, even when the kick was good, the Dawgs still needed a touchdown. If they had been down by six, I would understand kicking, to pull within a field goal. But they were down seven. They still needed to march the full length of the field when (or, indeed, if) they got it back.

And if they had failed on the 4th down, the Dawgs were giving South Carolina the ball back in the same spot where they would have taken over after a kickoff. Field-position wise, the Dawgs were no worse by missing it on 4th down than by taking the 3 and kicking back off.

Predictably, Georgia kicked the field goal, let South Carolina eat up tons of yards and clock, and then could not get the job done when they were left throwing desperation heaves downfield.

I love Richt. I think he is a good coach. But occasionally, he needs an associate head coach of clock management. And sometimes, I am afraid he needs an associate head coach of common sense. Unless he feels that a 4 point loss is somehow nobler than a 7 point loss.

This Post is Brought to You by Campbell Select

Why do I think John Lithgow is a good actor? Here are the movies and TV Shows I've seen him in.

1. Santa Claus: The Movie - A Dudley Moore Vehicle

2. Harry and the Hendersons - A bad family film that I enjoyed as a child

3. L.A. Story - A good movie but I don't remember him being in it.

4. Raising Cain - A terrible horror movie about an evil twin

5. Cliffhanger - Now here is the movie I associate with him. It's a pretty awesome movie, mainly for the fact that Sly Stallone is at his 'roided-out best and Lithgow speaks with the most ridiculous accent I've ever heard. It's really hard to describe. It's like a mix between a British accent and a generic eastern bloc accent. His performance is so over the top that it probably ruined any chance of him taking on a serious role ever again.

6. Pelican Brief - A boring John Grisham adaptation.

7. Shrek - Pretty fun turn as Lord Farquaad

8. 3rd Rock from the Sun - The other role I think about when I think of him. I actually liked the first season of this show but overall it was a really bad show.

So the two roles I most associate with John Lithgow are his parts in a bad Sylvester Stallone movie and a bad NBC Sitcom. And I still think he's a good actor. I know he's been nominated for a couple of Oscars and some a Tony or two but I've never seen any of those performances. So this is one of those things that I don't understand but I just have to accept.

Separated at Birth, Girls who like Girls Edition

Jodie Foster...


... and Emily Sailers of the Indigo Girls.

Should this Bother Me?

It randomly dawned on me today that I can name three female billiards players off the top of my head. Jeanette Lee, Allison Fisher, and Karen Corr.

By contrast, I can only name two professional bowlers (Walter Ray Williams and Pete Weber).

And I cannot name a single competitor in the World's Strongest Man competitions.

Sometimes, I miss the days of watching 3 AM ESPN.

But now that I think about it, Drew Weatherford and the Detroit Shock have a LOT in common.

I have been post-free for a few days, so I am making up for lost time.

One of the reasons I have neglected my duties as a blogger has been the amazing sports weekend I just enjoyed. That's right, Labor Day weekend. Which means, as it does every year, the WNBA finals.

Bet the house on the Detroit Shock. They play defense and know the true meaning of DEE-TROIT basketball.

Of course, if you haven't angrily turned your computer off at the thought of reading a WNBA post, relax. I am speaking, of course, of the return of college football. A few thoughts...

1. How Bout Them Dawgs! Stafford looked great (75% completion, almost 10 yards per attempt, no turnovers). The defense looked like it could be something special, especially considering that Ok State ran up video game stats on offense last year. I am thinking it is going to be a great year between the hedges.

2. Freaking Soft University... FSU looked terrible in their matchup against Clemson. Kind of makes you long for the days when you had someone to hate down in Tallahassee. A Georgia fan might gloat that they have not been good since their OC traveled north to Athens. Tommy Bowden may well regret having this game so early on his schedule, though... Now he won't be able to save his job during an underachieving season by beating his pop. By the time Clemson starts to suck come November, this win will be but a distant memory.

3. Illinois-Missouri. Two crappy teams that I should care nothing about. But I was thoroughly entertained by their matchup. On a tape-delay replay, no less. A furious comeback by Illinois, cut short at the last minute. Great game.

4. Beware Georgia Tech. I know Notre Dame is probably going to suck this year. But the kind of whupping the Rambling Wreck put on them is no joke. If anyone but Chan Gailey were their coach, I would be worried.

5. Nice stats from the golden boys of the Big East. I saw parts of the Louisville game. That passing attack is going to be hard for anyone to beat.

6. There is no point trying to say something witty about Michigan. A top-5 team with National Title aspirations should not lose to a I-AA school. Ever. Every Big 10 team is suspect, by mere association.

Next week is going to be awesome, with Spurrier coming to Athens. Here's hoping the Bulldogs remind the Ol Ball Coach that you can't spell "suck" without "USC."

Black and White, United in Rock

I just purchased The Connells' 1990 album "One Simple Word" off the dollar rack. Not a bad pickup at all. Although the cover and title make it sound suspicously like Christian rock, the album is a workmanlike record of countryish pop rock songs. And the song "Get a Gun" is one of the catchier tunes I picked up in my recent dollar bin raid.

The first thing I noticed from the band photo on the back was that they look like a group of camp counselors. But the second thing I noticed was that the gentleman on the far left of the group shot is distinctly not a honky.

It led me to consider... the best racially integrated bands of all-time:

The Doobie Brothers (and for all the lineup changes, they stayed integrated)
The Steve Miller Band (the black guy even got to sing, and a kick-ass track, at that- "My Saving Grace")
Guns N Roses (Slash's racially mixed background includes a Nigerian mother, making Axl's hate-filled rant in "One in a Million" even more interesting)
Thin Lizzy (Phil Lynott was a black Irishman, a rare bird indeed)
The Allman Brothers Band (huge bonus points for finding racial harmony through blues-driven rock in Macon, GA in the 1960s)

An honorable mention in the "some of my best friends are black" category:
The Rolling Stones (Darryl Jones replaced Bill Wyman on bass, but curiously, he still does not appear in band promo shots)
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers (featuring the Average White Band's Steve Ferrone on the drum kit since 1995)
Hootie and the Blowfish (I heard a rumor that Darius Rucker is black, but I have seen no evidence to back this up)